How to make a Dating Plan

There are several ways to make a dating plan.  Note:  If you haven’t already checked out our previous article on “What is a Dating Plan and Why do you Need one?” you may want to review that first before proceeding.   Below I’ll walk you through the 5 step process I recommend.  

Step 1:  Review yourself in past relationships

The first step is to inventory your pattern(s) of behavior in past relationships.   Self knowledge and awareness is vital in dating.  Some of the questions that you might want to think about in this step could be:

• Do I jump in to relationships way too quickly?
• Am I “in love” with falling in love and then always seem to “get bored” with people?
• Do I want to run the moment the other person shows any deep feelings?  Or vice versa the moment they aren’t as available as they used to be?
• Do I loose interest in the rest of my life the moment I am seeing someone?
• Am I dating the same type of person over and over again?
• Do I give too much / not give enough of myself to keep relationships going?

Discuss these questions with people in your life that you trust who have known you in your dating life.  Their insight can be invaluable if you are willing to listen with an open heart.  The answers to these questions will help you in Step 3 below.

Step 2:  Define the stages of dating for yourself

In broad strokes there are usually 5 stages in dating but you can define these in greater detail for yourself and your situation.

1. Attraction
2. Get to know you / Casual Dating
3. Exclusive Dating
4. Committed Relationship
5. A Future Together

Taking these general 5 stages as a starting point, you need to define what each stage means to you.   For instance, the attraction stage for me lasts up to about 6 dates.   I’m not even casually dating someone if we’ve only been on 4 dates.   I haven’t decided anything yet about them and whether I want to pursue further interaction.   But after about 6 or so dates, if I don’t want to even casually date this person, I feel it’s best to cut things off.

As you think about these stages and move into Step 3, you will want to ask yourself questions about what kinds of activities signify moving into a different stage.   For instance what stage does meeting friends or parents fit?  Sexual activity?  Cohabitation?  Write all of this down!

Step 3:  Define behaviors for each stage

Step 3 is where you will want to strike a good balance between having enough measurable details yet also flexible enough not to feel like your dating plan is running the show.

For example, you may have identified in Step 1 above that you have a tendency to jump into relationship too fast at the beginning.   So you want your dating plan to help dial down some of your natural tendency to create intensity at the very beginning of a relationship.

You could choose that you will only go on 1 date a week with someone for the first month of dating.   That is very measurable and would certainly curb too much intensity.   But you could also temper that slightly to allow for flexibly while still watching out for that intensity issue:  “I intend to go on no more than 2 dates a week with someone during the first month of dating and each date will last no more than 4 hours”

As another example, you may have identified in Step 1 above that your tendency is to cut and run the moment someone else shares any feelings with you.  If so, your dating plan might include in stage 2 and/or 3 that will not “break up” with anyone without first discussing the reasons with someone else you trust who can provide honest and impartial feedback.

Step 4:  Determine what qualities you look for in a partner

Step 4 is often overlooked or misunderstood.   This is not a list of fantasy expectations that you hope Prince or Princess Charming will embody to magically fix your life.   Don’t set yourself up for more heartbreak with an unattainable list.   And try not to make the list either 1) sound too much like either of your parents or 2) a list of things you didn’t like about your most recent ex.

Must like the general dating plan itself you are aiming for a nice mix of measureable and demonstratable but not too specific qualities.    For instance, you might be an outdoors kind of person and want your partner to share that love with you.   If so, great!   Add it to your list, but leave some room for the idea that your partner might like different kinds of outdoor activities.   So don’t rule out a cyclist just because you are a runner!

Step 5:  Rinse and Repeat, learning as you go

Your dating plan is unique to you.   You created for you to learn about yourself.   And you change over time.   So it is only natural that you will want to review and update your plan periodically.   Apply the things you learned about yourself since the last time you updated the plan.   It’s a great way to get to know yourself.

Leave us comments below and tell us about your plan! We’d love to hear from you.

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