What is a dating plan and why do I need one?

The first time I heard about the concept of a dating plan, I was completely baffled.  I need a plan to date?  Don’t people just start doing it?  As Nike says, just do it.

Why you need a Dating Plan: stop feeling like dating = failure.

You’ve heard the old adage “nothing measured, nothing gained” of course.   Well it applies in dating as in many things of life.

The process of creating a dating plan produced one of the most important shifts in my dating life.  I realized that my primary goal of dating wasn’t necessarily to get married or some other kind of “end goal” that society had taught me was the prize worth winning, but rather my primary goal in dating was to learn more about myself in relationships with other people.

Now regardless of the outcome of any singular date or string of dates, I can meet that goal of learning something about myself.   Dating no longer feels like endless rounds of failing after I had a plan in place.  Yes in the long term I still want to find a primary partnered relationship which may or may not have a legal marriage attached to it, but in the short term I want to enjoy my daily journey and focus on what I learn about myself.

Why you need a Dating Plan: stay on track

The second reason to have a dating plan is to keep yourself on track.

I have found that if I am not intentional in approaching dating, then life can get messy really fast and I find myself in all sorts of situations I don’t want to be in.  Before I had a plan in place, I hadn’t thought enough about what I wanted and didn’t want so I just kind of went along with things.  I would go on a first date which might lead to a second or third date and before I knew it I was somehow “dating” someone I wasn’t all that fond of and didn’t know how to get out of.   Like many people I have a hard time hurting people’s feelings and saying no and the longer things go on the harder that becomes.

Or on the opposite end of the spectrum I would go on a “magical” first date and secretly be planning our matching rockers on the front porch of the old folks home together while completely missing the clues that the other person wasn’t all that into me.  Having a plan that outlines all the stages of dating helps me be intentional and aware.

What a Dating Plan is NOT.

First let’s go over what a dating is not.   A dating plan is NOT an unreasonable list of fantasy expectations you dream your future partner will fix in your life.   That NEVER works.  If your life needs major fixing, consider that you might not be ready to date.  Focus on yourself first until you are ready to give in equal measure to a relationship.  A dating plan is also NOT a rigid list of perfect check boxes you must tick off.   Perfection has no place in dating and will set you up for heartbreak every time.  There is no magic recipe to follow in dating to create a healthy relationship.

What a Dating Plan IS.

A dating plan is simply a set of guidelines about how you want to act while dating.   The first step in a dating plan is to define the stages of dating for YOURSELF.   This is a highly personal step as your goals and values around dating and relationships are unique to you.

However you define these stages for yourself, in a broad sense the stages can generally be broken down into 4 to 5 stages:  1) initial interest/attraction 2) getting to know one another/casual dating 3) exclusive dating and then 4/5) cohabitation and planning for the future.    The next step in the dating plans is to lay out what behaviors are acceptable to you or not acceptable in these stages of a dating relationship.   Check out our next article “How to create a Dating Plan” for more information on the details.